The Inside Job
I wanted to write a little bit about work and marriage. What is the connection you might say? Well, that’s what I thought would stir some conversation and questions for you in the days to come. My hope is that a conversation would start on how to create positive, high quality brainstorming solutions, for places in your marriage and work that give you the hope, stamina, and courage to do a few things differently moving forward.
As a relationship coach I have had the honor to walk clients through transformative steps to do just that. I am extremely passionate about it because it is an area that I found myself in a struggle with years ago in my marriage. We have had to fight our way back from it! And as we did, I decided this would be the area that I would become an expert in; come hell or high water.
I have devoted myself to years of training following with implementation with my clients. As I watch disappointed, detached, high conflict, close to divorce couples make their way back to each other, I can say that they have done a great deal of work. A great INSIDE JOB.
How it happened for me is how it happens for many. You have goals, dreams and desires for your life! You get busy. The insidious creep in comes. You start to wonder if everything is okay as you disconnect? But if you asked anybody at work how you are doing on the job, most of the time, you will get great feedback, evaluations, and encouragement to sometimes expand your job description, or quite possibly… even get a raise or promotion.
Another kind of INSIDE JOB starts to happen.
I start to get most of my needs met in the workplace. It is easier at work, right? You are needed, connected, appreciated, part of a bigger picture and there is certainty in the structure and compensation. Also, the majority of the time, no one is complaining about you. You do high level, excellent work to the best of your ability and build good connections in the workplace. Things are constantly busy. Action and synergy feel very good!
At home the time for intimate connection through deeper conversations starts being edged out. You might be too tired or preoccupied to connect. The divide starts to happen and as you notice the drift, it is somehow easier to stay at work, talk about the job, invest more time in ways to do a better job. Think of better ways to serve in your work environment, whatever that might be.
What might happen next is the stress that comes from constant improvement mode. There is stress that comes from the disconnect, stress that comes from trying to reconnect without strong skill sets for resolving conflict or bringing yourselves back to what really matters. The stress that comes when you don’t remember why you married in the first place and the thoughts of, ‘maybe it is time to call it quits.’ This seems easier to a lot of people but not everything is considered. What will it cost you? Personally, emotionally, spiritually. Not just attorney’s fees, a second residence, child support, division of what you have built together, how to start over, loss of relationships (because yes, people still take sides unfortunately), watching your spouse build a fresh, new relationship with someone else. The list is expansive.
All of those thoughts, concerns, stress, and preoccupation then lead to depression and distraction; loss of motivation, a shutdown of your creative areas and your ability to bounce back in transitional changes where you work. Like so many times when depression sneaks in on us, its close friend anxiety, comes to visit as well! You may have never struggled with anxiety before. It takes you by surprise and you ignore the feelings that keep returning. Your sleep is affected because you cannot wind that clock down. Thoughts, feelings, and emotions flood you in the evening, stealing away restful and restorative sleep.
Now, neither work nor home feel like the best place to be. Your emotional and physical health (heart, weight, and immune responses) are impaired. Your decision making is made through the lens of fear. What about loss, what about not being enough, what if the process of healing and growth doesn’t work? You notice yourself more critical, more tired and dissatisfied at every turn. Picking at seemingly little things that don’t really matter in the big picture. They effect both work and marriage. They need immediate attention!
Who do I ask for help? Who do I tell I’m struggling in my marriage and maybe even my job? How can I get the help I need to recover my mental and physical health? Thank God, people are more aware of counselors and coaches that can help and some of the stigma has been removed!
And when I bring this stuff to light, I realize these kinds of posts do not get a lot of, “YES, that’s me!” But what I hope it does is speak to someone out there that needs some oxygen to their face, STAT. That needs someone who advocates, guides, and champions their return to both their marriage and their work, revitalized, restored, and balanced!
Close your eyes and imagine:
- Reconnection, passion, and appreciation for what your partner brings to the marriage.
- New ways to discover and have your needs met without leaving you feeling frustrated and powerless.
- New ways to resolve conflict that honor both of you! You are a partnership! You solve issues together!
- A restart to sharing your dreams, desires and plans for your future.
- Working through balance in both places. What stays? What is eliminated?
- Some real work on THE INSIDE JOB that happens when you commit to the work of moving forward in healthier ways!
Needing help? Please reach out! Private msg me or make a Discovery appointment @ https://fosterslifecoaching.as.me/Discovery
